Depression isn't mere sadness.
sIt's all, or most of the negative emotions combined. Or, in most cases, none of these emotions at all.
It’s a feeling of emptiness on the surface, with hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness, grief, guilt, shame, regrets, anxiety, apathy, self-hatred, all at once underneath.
And more than just a bunch of negative emotions, it's also a mental illness—a chemical imbalance in the brain, or an outcome of different factors—biological, environmental, psychological or social factors, medical conditions, substance use, and different unfortunate circumstances.
It's a series of contradictory things.
It's wanting to help oneself, but not wanting to do the things that can help.
It's feeling lonely but wanting to isolate. It's wanting help but not wanting to be a burden.
It's seeking happiness but none can make one feel it. It's either getting out of bed, getting things done, and hating every single minute of it, or spending a crazy amount of time glued to the bed, scrolling the phone all day, and still hating every single minute of it.
It's having a hard time getting out of bed, either trouble sleeping or sleeping too much.
It's barely eating or overeating, while skipping showers for days or even weeks.
It's waking up or sleeping with a heavy heart, and experiencing non-stop rumination or terrible intrusive thoughts.
It's wanting to withdraw from everyone and being physically present but absent socially and mentally.
It's trouble focusing and being more forgetful than ever.
It's being haunted by the past, having no care toward the present, and no hope for the future.
Or sometimes, it can also mean continuing to live like a normal person completely far from what's truly going on on the inside. It's like putting on a fake mask and suffering in silence.
It's like being a caged animal in a circus while watching everyone around have fun, living freely, normally, all the while sitting somewhere, on a leash, wallowing in self-pity and misery.
It's woods in the dark, a house in the middle of a desert at night, a prison—a living hell.
It's a deep, dark hole into which one spirals once it completely takes over.
It is a disease that slowly takes away every essence of a person—their will, motivation, energy, appetite, memory, mindset, confidence, self-esteem, sense of purpose, interests, relationships, hope, and ultimately, their life.
It feels like death, the worst death—to be dead while alive.
This piece won't end on a positive note because it's not about positivity.
This is about depression and the reality of it.
If you're struggling with it, know that you're valid. However, as annoying, triggering, or anticlimactic as it may sound right now, things eventually get better.
So, please hang in there and seek support from trusted and equipped individuals because it will. Trust me, it does get better.
It must.